How to support someone with cancer

Stepping up to support someone with cancer is a special and powerful thing to do.

It often means leaning into an unknown subject that can be challenging and overwhelming.

These thoughts and ideas are here to help you through an uncertain time. And remember, Maggie’s doesn’t only offer emotional and practical support to the person with cancer – we’re here for the family members and friends who love them too. 

Support the person, not a patient

Every person dealing with cancer is an individual with their own needs and feelings. So carry on treating them as your partner, your friend, your parent, your colleague rather than a ‘patient’, because that’s who they still are.

1 – Help them stay in control

A cancer diagnosis often comes with an overwhelming sense of vulnerability. People don't feel in control of anything in their life anymore, because everybody else is doing stuff to them or for them.

It can be tempting to try to help by taking charge of the situation. But allowing the person with cancer to have some choice and control is so important.

Rather than telling them something or taking over, ask them: “Would it be helpful if I came to your appointment to take notes?” or “Would it be useful if I picked up your prescription?”

That way, the individual has the power to say yes or no and retain some control.

2 – Respect their privacy 

When somebody is sharing intimate and personal details about body function or the disease process, they are likely to want this to remain confidential. So avoid sharing this information with friends or family unless you have permission.

Maggie’s can help with this. As someone caring for an individual with cancer, you can have a completely candid conversation about whatever issues your friend or family member is facing with one of our team, and it will go no further.

3 – Be prepared to step back

We all like to feel that our care is valued, but don’t take it to heart if somebody doesn’t want or need your involvement at a particular time.

It’s not personal – that might be what the person needs that day, and that's ok.

You don't need to abandon them entirely either. You can check back again later to see if there’s another way or time you might support them.

Practical support that actually helps

Offering practical support can be the biggest help – such as picking up someone’s kids from school, taking them to appointments, or doing their washing or shopping.

4 – Everyone has a strength that can help 

It’s brilliant if there’s a team of people willing to help someone, because then you have a range of skills and abilities on offer.

Tap into everyone’s strengths. One person might be a brilliant cook. Another might be a being a brilliant shopper. Someone else might be great at taking notes at a hospital appointment.

5 – Gift a cleaning service

A number of people have told me that a gift they’ve found really helpful is a session from a cleaning service.

Nobody wants you to know what state their bathroom or laundry is in, especially when they’re going through cancer treatment. So instead of offering to clean up for someone, hire a neutral cleaner as a gift to do the job at an agreed time.

6 – If you offer support, see it through

If you make a suggestion to help somebody, follow it up. Don't make offhand statements like, ‘Yeah, I'd love to give you a lift to your appointment,’ then not go through with it and expect them to chase you.

7 – Bring them to Maggie’s

One of the most useful things you can do to support someone with cancer, and yourself, is offer to go with them to a Maggie’s centre.

Be the person who gives them a lift or takes the bus then walks through the door of Maggie’s with them, side by side.

A lot of people say it’s tough to walk through the door for the first time. So be the person who walks next to them and helps them access endless support.

You can find your nearest Maggie's centre here

Visiting etiquette

Everyone's support and social needs are different, and it can vary from day to day too.

Look out for cues from the person you are supporting, such as whether they seem tired, quiet, chatty or upbeat. It will help you understand how you can best support them in that moment.

8 – Surprise visits might not be welcome 

Someone’s private space at home can become very, very private during treatment, so don’t just drop by without warning or assume you can visit.

They might not feel comfortable about somebody visiting because they haven’t had the chance to tidy up, or they haven’t been able to shower that morning.

9 – Keep your visits short

One of the things people often struggle with is visitors who stay for too long.

There’s a feeling that someone has made a special journey to see you, so they’re going to stay for a significant amount of time.Sometimes that can be useful, but it really depends on how the individual is feeling that day.

As a rough guide, I’d say that it’s important to only stay 45 minutes to an hour maximum, because people are exhausted during treatment and it can be tiring to socialise on top of that.

Even if they’re only able to take ten minutes of a visit, be pleased that you had ten minutes with them. If that’s what the person needed that day, then that has been helpful.

10 – Flowers aren’t always the answer

People with cancer are often inundated with flowers. Even though they look beautiful, they can feel a bit funereal, and they just aren't healthy or appropriate for a lot of people.

There’s actually quite a large bacterial content around flowers, so if someone’s in the middle of chemo, they’re probably not the best idea.

Similarly, gifts with a strong scent, like candles or strongly flavoured foods can be off-putting for somebody during treatment, so it’s best to be considerate of that.

11 – Remote conversations can be great

If a visit isn’t desirable or possible, having a virtual Zoom or Teams meeting can be just as supportive. Equally, a conversation on WhatsApp can lift someone’s spirits.

Talking about cancer

It can feel daunting to support someone in a conversation about what they are going through.

Sometimes, listening and reassuring them as they experience a range of emotions is most helpful.

12 – Listen first – don’t jump in with advice

One of the most valuable things for a person dealing with cancer is to have somebody who's prepared to listen to them and hear things as they really are.

It’s more supportive and beneficial than jumping in with advice. We’re all programmed to give advice because we want to help, but it’s not always useful.

Only give advice if it’s asked for, or offer it as an option, like “I wonder whether it would be helpful to…” rather than a command (“You should…”). And don’t be offended if they don’t want to hear it.

13 – Avoid comparison stories

When somebody feels stressed, we often compare their experience to someone else’s as way of trying to cheer them up. But it can have the opposite effect.

The person you’re supporting might not want to hear about your neighbour John who got through cancer – that might not be useful to them or the way they’re feeling today. So it’s best to avoid comparing experiences or minimising feelings.

Helping the person to be candid about what’s happening to them is more valuable and more important.

14 – Let people cry

There can be lots of ups and downs with cancer, so if somebody is having a challenging day, it's important to allow that to be acknowledged.

Allow the person to cry, to be angry or to feel lost. Just having their upset heard is really important rather than instantly trying to find a solution to it.

Say something like, “I'm so sorry it feels so overwhelming. This is really tough and I feel for you” or “I wish I could do something for you, but let’s just keep talking about it because this is hard and I appreciate how hard it is.”

It’s about giving the individual permission to feel what they're feeling and not to feel foolish or to be dismissed for it.

Allow someone to feel upset and overwhelmed today with the hope that tomorrow might be different.

Conversations about other things

Cancer can be a completely dominating subject in every conversation, and of course, sometimes that’s what you need to talk about.

But a properly supportive relationship is about other stuff too. People often want to hear about life continuing outside of their illness because it's tedious to talk about medication, side effects, symptoms and hospitals all the time.

15 – Talk about things that aren’t cancer

It’s ok to talk about other things or tell a funny story about what happened on the bus on the way over.

It can be a great distraction from the difficult reality of what might be going on with the person’s cancer experience. Even in the middle of tough treatment, there can be days when they’ll feel better or want to talk about something else.

16 – Keep including them  

People can feel like they've been excluded from a group of friends, colleagues or family because their illness or treatment means they’re not always able to meet up or join in.

Unless they tell you otherwise, include the person in your life as much as possible.

You can say, “I know you couldn’t make it yesterday, so let me tell you all the gossip,” or “Sam’s back from his trip, do you want to hear about it?”

Remember, just because they're in the middle of a diagnosis doesn’t mean that they can't still be the sociable, wonderful person they always are.

Look after yourself

If you’re supporting a person you're very close to, it's really important to think about what your needs might be.

17 – Make sure you have a support network too

You might need to take a break, get financial advice, find emotional support or just to have a chat with someone who understands.

Getting support for yourself won’t just help you – it will help you stay present for the person with cancer too.

That’s why a huge amount of the support we offer at Maggie's is for family members, friends and colleagues. It helps you deal with your own emotions and stay resourceful for the person who's going through something really challenging.

You can find your nearest Maggie's centre here

It's never too late to start supporting someone

Don’t worry if you haven’t been supporting someone since the start of their illness. If your gut says, “I want to be in touch”, then be in touch.

18 – Let them know you are thinking of them

• If you're thinking about the person, tell them that you're thinking about them.
• If you see something in a shop that you think they'd like, get it for them.
• If you think it'd be lovely to send a little card, just send it.

People would far prefer to be considered than forgotten. Tell the person why they're special, tell them why they're important to you.

In the middle of a situation where people often feel very changed and uncertain, it’s wonderful for them to hear why they are important and why they are worthwhile.

How Maggie’s helps

It’s hard watching somebody you care about go through something difficult, but you’re not alone.

If you’re supporting someone with cancer, you can come into one of our centres and ask us any practical questions you have, such as, “What are the different cancer treatments?” or “Who do I call if something goes wrong?”.

• You can also speak to our cancer support specialists about the impact the situation is having on you.
  
• There are structured support courses and groups for friends and family members.
• You can even just come in when you’re taking somebody into hospital for their treatment.
• You don't have to speak to anybody, you can just have a cuppa and use the space to take a moment for yourself.

All these things will help you cope and remain a solid resource for the person you care about. Find your nearest Maggie's centre

Last review: Jul 2024 | Next review: Jul 2027