Khorshed on getting more from Maggie's than she expected

In 2022, I had been for my routine mammogram. At the appointment, they also took a biopsy and did an ultrasound. I thought nothing of it, maybe it was a fibroid. But a week later, I was told to come into hospital to talk to someone about my results. 

The surgeon was very honest, and told me straight out that that they had found breast cancer. It needed taking out, but it was grade one, slow growing and had been found early.  

Of course, it was a shock. But, on the positive side, I had been for my mammogram and everything was arranged really quickly. The surgery happened in mid-December; I was going to be discharged the same day.

Complications

My last memory from this period is being admitted for surgery in the morning; it's all completely vanished from my head. I don’t even remember being taken into the operating theatre. 

My daughter has only recently told me exactly what happened, I think she and my husband were also trying to process what had happened.  

My daughter came to pick me up from hospital, and noticed that there was some blood in my drain. She alerted the nurse, who spoke to the surgeon and decided I would stay in overnight for observation.  

At some point that evening, I started losing consciousness. The surgeon managed to get me in for emergency surgery in the middle of the night.

During that surgery, I went into anaphylactic shock. It was touch and go. But the anaesthetic team managed to keep me alive.

Waking up

I began having horrible nightmares, memories from my sub-concious about almost dying in surgery. I have a memory of fighting to live, aware of how young my grandchildren were and how much I wanted to see them grow up.

I was in hospital for two weeks, completely immobilised. The surgeon came to see me and broke the news that I had gone into anaphylactic shock during the surgery, but they weren’t sure why and that I would need to be tested.

It was a very anxious and frightening time, I was able to get through it thanks to the reassuring presence of my husband, my daughter and my son and their families, who visited every day, and the encouraging messages from my daughter and her family in New Zealand.

I was discharged from hospital a few days before Christmas. In the first period of time at home, I wasn’t quite with it, but gradually, my mind started to process what was happening.  

I was trying to rationalise it and remember that I'm here, breathing, my husband and my children are around. But trying to process that I had almost died was quite something.

Feeling that I had changed

The big worry was not knowing what I was allergic to. I was referred to the allergy clinic in February, but was told that the clinic was full up until July.  

I noticed that my nature had begun to change. I was getting very irritable, frustrated and angry; little things would set me off.   

I felt the self-pity crawl in, I felt the over-thinking crawl in, and I could see it coming out in my behaviour.

To be very honest, I felt as though people had forgotten that I almost died.  

I was so anxious about getting unwell again that, for about a month, I wouldn’t go outside. I didn't visit my friends. I didn't want to go out alone anywhere and dragged my husband along if I had to go anywhere. 

If I went out, I would only walk on the inside of the pavement. I worried if I walked near the edge, I could get hit by something, go back to hospital, have another reaction and die. I felt unravelled from my life.

Coming to Maggie's

While I was having radiotherapy after my surgery, I was told about Maggie’s and the help that was available there.  

I had never seen a therapist, I didn’t even know anybody who had. So, the first time I came to Maggie’s, I felt trepidation.

But the moment you step into the centre, there is someone there with a smile, greeting you. It felt so reassuring.

Not long after I first popped in, I had my first psychology appointment. I felt that I trusted this environment and the people in it; I don’t think I would’ve kept coming back if I had not felt that confidence. 

The biggest relief in my first session was to be able to speak to someone objective with absolute openness about how I felt. I had been holding it all back from my family; I felt they have their own lives and they had been traumatised enough.  

It wasn't just someone to sit and vent to or talk to. But a trained person who knew how to manage my worries. I began to understand that it was okay for me to feel the way I felt.

When I feel unravelled, and can feel the darkness coming on, I can deal with it now because I have techniques from Lorena. By coming to Maggie’s, I gained the mental strength to help myself.

Changes in me

Within just a short period of seeing Lorena, I began going out again by myself and seeing my friends. After each session, I would talk to my husband and I felt that he understood me and supported me. 

I still hadn’t had an appointment from the allergy clinic but, in the end, my family encouraged me to get a private appointment. The allergy test identified that it was a disinfectant that had caused the reaction. That brought me enormous peace of mind.  

The support from Maggie’s made me much more confident and decisive. I had confidence again that it was okay to do the things I used to do, like travel. If I hadn’t come to Maggie’s, I don’t think I would have recovered yet from the anxiety I felt.

I got to the point where I no longer needed therapy, but Lorena told me that I could walk in to Maggie’s any day that I wanted and speak to somebody. That’s for life. Where else would you get that service?

New Zealand

My daughter and my granddaughter live in New Zealand and I hadn’t been able to visit them for six years because of Covid. So, over Christmas, my husband and I made the trip over there which was a huge thing.  

I hadn’t seen my little granddaughter since she was three and now she is nine years old. To reconnect with them, in such a beautiful place, was lovely.  

My husband and I did so many activities: trail walking, white water rafting, trekking to waterfalls. I know that without Maggie’s support, I would not have had that confidence to take this trip and would not have had that time with my family.

More than I expected

I came in for help to get over what happened to me. But I’ve also had the support to figure out who I was, who I want to be and to make those changes.  

My health had become the biggest worry in my life. Will the cancer come back? Will I come across this wretched chemical somewhere? So my first intention for seeking help at Maggie’s was to get over those things than anything else. But I got so much more out of it than just that. 

I was able to really reflect on myself, and on my past. It gave me the chance to really think about who I was and who I want to be. I really, truly feel I've been given a second chance at life. Now, I want to do everything that I want to do. I feel like I am now living my life exactly the way I want to live. That is the biggest achievement from all of this.

I’m also proud that I have supported Maggie’s through the 100 Miles in April challenge. I raised just over £200. The incentive for me was to give something back to Maggie’s for the support I received, and a wish for them to continue thriving. 

If the cancer ever comes back, I know Maggie’s will always be there for support.

Without Maggie's, I would not be where I am today, emotionally. If I hadn't taken that first step into Maggie’s, I dread to think where I would be today. I know that I may never completely get over what happened. But every day, I'm thankful I'm still here.

We’re here with you

Our cancer support specialists, psychologists and benefits advisors are here for everyone with cancer, and all the people who love them.

Come and see us at your nearest Maggie’s, call us on 0300 123 180 or email us at enquiries@maggies.org